Unappreciated

I take care of the groceries.

I take care of the laundry.

I take care of the gas and electric meter readings.

I took care of sorting out the council tax.

I took care of setting up broad band in the home.

When we wanted to move out I took care of arranging all the many many viewings after work, found people to take over the lease and put them in touch with the agency.

I’ll probably have to take care of arranging the moving van, transferring over our broadband provider, doing all final utility bills, and cleaning the flat.

I’m always the problem solver.

And yet I’m treated like everything that goes wrong is my fault and made to feel like shit.

I want to run away.

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I Need an Adult

It’s one of those times where everything is going wrong and being difficult. My inbox is flush with rejection emails from new jobs. My partner is stressed and worrying about a potential raise that may or may not happen. My letting agent isn’t letting us leave the property so we can move into a bigger home.

So yesterday afternoon while walking my 25 year old ass home from the bus stop I had to hold back tears and breath. I just couldn’t stop thinking, ‘I need an adult’ and ‘ I need someone to take care of me’. I’m so exhausted. And last night I had to talk my partner down from a panic attack because of this drama with our letting agency.

I just need a few days where everything is easy. I feel like I’m being crushed by the weight of all the stress.

So today after work I’m going to view a flat (which is perfect on paper), and try to keep a positive mind that we can convince our agency to release us (after giving 2 months notice). Maybe the person showing the flat can offer some advice.

Anyways.

I need an adult to take care of me.

I need someone

It’s been really hard the past week. I don’t feel like the medication I’ve been taking for the past 4 months is making any difference at all. My partner is now on a zero sympathy level with me, so I can’t talk to her about anything. All she says is, “go to the gym, you’ll feel better”. And I’m at the point of wanting to drastically loose a lot of weight just to show that depression isn’t all physical. Yes exercise can help. But it’s hard when you have no one to talk to.

The only solution I can come up with is just to stop talking to her about how I am and how I’m feeling. Shut my self completely down. I feel so unimportant. Not good enough. Wasteful.

So in a heart to heart my partner told me that she thinks I’m so broken that she can’t help me. We aren’t breaking up. We actually just had our four year anniversary and it was great.

But she had officially checked out of being able to be someone to reach out to when I’m having a break down. Which is fine. I’m very accommodated to breaking down and being alone. She’s actually the first person who ever made me feel it was safe to open up about how I really felt.

My depression and paranoia and drinking have exhausted her and she’s simply not here for it anymore. So I’m back to repressing everything. And dealing with it alone whenever I’m triggered by something.

Theres something so heartbreaking though. Knowing that you’ve strained such a good persons heart so far that they can’t handle it anymore. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I had anyone else I could really reach out to but I’m essentially completely and utterly alone in London. I’ve lived here a year and the only genuinely nice people I have met are through my wife (her coworkers). All my friends back home have forgotten about me even though I’ve reached out to them a number of times. And without a doubt reaching out to my family is not an option.

I feel so heavy. Knowing that no one is looking for me. No one it wondering how I am or where I am. If I didn’t have my wife and I moved to London alone, I could hop on a plane to anywhere and no one would wonder where I was until Christmas or Facebook reminded them of my birthday.

Best I can do it try to help my self and conceal and repress as much as possible so I’m not stressing out my wife I suppose….

Going Dry

So I’m here right now with my own special blended herbal tea trying to ground myself with a bit of Fleetwood Mac on in the background. I’ve come off the drink again. Last time i was dry for 6 months, and it was relatively fine. I was seeing a therapist. Going to the gym. All that good stuff. And my partner was swept of her feet with how great i was doing.

I was doing so well that i decided to enjoy a glass of white wine. Which in the following months lead to two or three mental breakdowns, many bad decisions, and an extra financial burden. Now I’d going dry again, indefinitely. You see, when i was going to therapy sessions regularly, it was really helpful for me and i managed to get some things off my chest that i had never told a single person. However, there were only 10 free sessions and we are broke so it ended when it ended.

My partners faith in me right now is at an all time low. She said to me that, (because of my recent actions) that it had been the first time she had truly worried about our relationship. Considering everything we had been through, fighting the homeoffice to let her stay in the country, moving country together, and all the little things in between, i was horrified when she said that. It shook me to my core.

Functioning like a regular adult, going to work and paying bills, i could hand just find on my own. However, if i was coming home alone each night without her i can without any doubt in my mind say that i would be a danger to myself. In the past I’ve put myself in dangerous situations. I’ve drank to the point of blacking out. And the self harm would definitely get worse.

I’ve never done any hard drugs. But shes been waking up from nightmares of trying to save me from taking heroine. I’m sure that only over time she will start to have faith in me as a person again but its so hard right now. Hearing the person you love the most in tears tell you that your too broken for her to handle.

At this point i feel like all i can do is regress to the way i was before she met me, block off my emotions and just not address them at all. The only issue with this is if I’m going to shut it down, it will be all emotions, not just the bad ones.

I spent the day home alone trying to sort bits of my life out. I’ve been living in London for a year now and i’ve made no real friends. (Probably my fault 100%). So ive been applying to volunteer again in the evenings and weekends. Just to get myself out and around people before i forget completely how to interact with them.

This is the huge problem my partner and i have been dealing with.

She is literally the only person i have to lean on. All my friends from back home have forgotten about me since i moved and my family is completely self centered, toxic and the cause of most of my mental health issues. So shes been getting the brunt of it ALL. Now I’m just trying to make my life a bit busier and get out around other people to give her some space. That’s the plan anyway.

Push down all the dark thoughts and don’t be home so much.

 

 

Introduction

I grew up in a tiny Scottish town by the sea side. Everyone knew everyone (but they didn’t). All the families and schools were picturesque and quaint (also false). No one ever died or ran away (except they did).

Here we have the beach, the hills of Arran in the distance and my school. On that beach is where i walked alone late at night in the pitch dark (I’d say i would usually leave the house around 8/9pm and come home at 11/12?) to get away from my alcoholic and manic depressive mother. Its a wonder how i wasn’t picked up at 15 and forced into human trafficking.

Those mountains in the background of the third image were something beautiful that gave me a feeling of hope that there was something more than screaming, drinking and this. (The empty view from my kitchen window, 2009)

good_morn_by_kyasurinberri

Finally,¬† the third image was of my secondary school, where i learned that all adults were even more jaded than i was. Where i saw first hand the washed out misery of people who were living their “future” and realizing that this was it. Its where i learned to consciously self harm (and then figured out how to hurt myself in a way so if anyone saw the marks they would never know). Its the place where the friend i had tried to protect (and help raise her baby sister) for many year of our childhood, left me for other friends.

Her mum was both an alcoholic and drug addict. So our norm as 11 year olds was feeding and teaching a baby while trying to convince ANY adult to help with her mum’s substance abuse situation. But, it was that sort of place where your expected to just accept things are the way they are and get on with it.

This is something that i have definitely carried on with me into adulthood. When you are trained for the first 20 years of your life that you have no right to be upset because there are others out there who have it worse than you, it almost completely eliminates the ability to genuinly feel.

I can honestly say there is no one that i fully trust in my adult life. I love my partner but there is still so much of me that is shut off, emotions that i don’t understand and walls still¬† built up inside me that even my RE teacher had been able to see clearly 10 years ago.

Welcome to the unboxing of Kathrine…not Katherine.

I was named after my gran Katherine, but my mum spelt my name wrong when she registered me…..So let start from there.