So I’m here right now with my own special blended herbal tea trying to ground myself with a bit of Fleetwood Mac on in the background. I’ve come off the drink again. Last time i was dry for 6 months, and it was relatively fine. I was seeing a therapist. Going to the gym. All that good stuff. And my partner was swept of her feet with how great i was doing.
I was doing so well that i decided to enjoy a glass of white wine. Which in the following months lead to two or three mental breakdowns, many bad decisions, and an extra financial burden. Now I’d going dry again, indefinitely. You see, when i was going to therapy sessions regularly, it was really helpful for me and i managed to get some things off my chest that i had never told a single person. However, there were only 10 free sessions and we are broke so it ended when it ended.
My partners faith in me right now is at an all time low. She said to me that, (because of my recent actions) that it had been the first time she had truly worried about our relationship. Considering everything we had been through, fighting the homeoffice to let her stay in the country, moving country together, and all the little things in between, i was horrified when she said that. It shook me to my core.
Functioning like a regular adult, going to work and paying bills, i could hand just find on my own. However, if i was coming home alone each night without her i can without any doubt in my mind say that i would be a danger to myself. In the past I’ve put myself in dangerous situations. I’ve drank to the point of blacking out. And the self harm would definitely get worse.
I’ve never done any hard drugs. But shes been waking up from nightmares of trying to save me from taking heroine. I’m sure that only over time she will start to have faith in me as a person again but its so hard right now. Hearing the person you love the most in tears tell you that your too broken for her to handle.
At this point i feel like all i can do is regress to the way i was before she met me, block off my emotions and just not address them at all. The only issue with this is if I’m going to shut it down, it will be all emotions, not just the bad ones.
I spent the day home alone trying to sort bits of my life out. I’ve been living in London for a year now and i’ve made no real friends. (Probably my fault 100%). So ive been applying to volunteer again in the evenings and weekends. Just to get myself out and around people before i forget completely how to interact with them.
This is the huge problem my partner and i have been dealing with.
She is literally the only person i have to lean on. All my friends from back home have forgotten about me since i moved and my family is completely self centered, toxic and the cause of most of my mental health issues. So shes been getting the brunt of it ALL. Now I’m just trying to make my life a bit busier and get out around other people to give her some space. That’s the plan anyway.
Push down all the dark thoughts and don’t be home so much.